Its up to you what you decide, forgive or suffer

Aqsa Hadi | 15-Dec-2016

It was a winter night when I was preparing for my exams. But wasn't in the mood to study, left with no choice I had to. It is evident that, to be careless, 'until exams arrive, and troublesome entire student’s community'. Well, I was supposed to do so as I wasn't an exceptional case. I was listening to the radio and enjoying music when I stared at my mobile phone. Where light blinks, alarming that, 'a message arrived'. I checked that and then leave, concentrating on my studies.

Apart from this, my elder brother was playing a game on the computer in the same room. When he left the room, I sat before the computer looking for something to waste my time a little bit; I was bored of my studies. Clicking on my pictures, I again noticed light blinked. Grabbed my cell phone and checked. There was a message: “someone wants to connect with you on Facebook with a link". I was not supposed to create my account on FB. Because of no interest in the computer. That time, I unconsciously thought to have an account on a social website.

Its upto you

Being scared of: “may I lose my personal information if I told someone that, I am on Facebook". There was no friend on FB, so I decided to close it and moved back to my studies. I was keenly observing few points to be prepared for my exam as much as I could. Then went to sleep as it was quite late.

Next day during my exam physically I was there but not mentally. I was thinking of finishing my exam as soon as possible and want to go back home and check my account. I always try to attempt my complete exam whether I know the answer or not, I have never left my paper blank. I also was supposed to finish my exam suddenly clock strike time is over. I hurriedly moved from my seat and gave my paper to the examiner and left the room. I was looking for my driver, why he is late when I want to go back home early. Finally, I saw him, the next moment 'I was in the car, way to home. 

Reached home. Getting dressed tiredly, I was ready for having lunch with family. A few moments later I was in my room for rest. It was late in the eve when I woke up. I was not interrupted by my family when I was busy in my exams. It was up to me when I wanted to sleep when I watch TV; no one scolds me for doing anything during the whole time. Next day it was my physics paper, and I hate Physics. Well, I have to prepare for it. I was doing so heartlessly. I was waiting for the rest of family to go to sleep. Then I will be able to be on the computer without interruption. When all of them went to sleep, I hurriedly switched computer and logged into my FB account. There was a friend request appeared in the notification bar. I was confused as it was a boy who sent me the request. His Profile picture seems very attractive as it was a red rose, without wasting any moment I just accepted. And a sudden pop up happens, there was a message; Asslam o Alaikum! "It was for the very first time I was going to talk with an unfamiliar person till now. I belonged to a wealthy and noble family, so no one ever bothers to stare at me. It was a charm for me." I responded as politely as I could, and he did the same. We talked with each other with a formal introduction. Suddenly I realised it’s too late. I should do some study now; I told him that tomorrow is my paper so have to prepare for it. He wished me good luck and few prayers, and I turned off the computer. Just did an overview of few topics and went to sleep, because early morning I have to wake up for the exam. 

We talked with each other daily till my exams end. After that, it was quite hard for me to talk with him because of my no concern with the computer. I have to wait for so long to be on the computer; it was quite exhausting to wait for so long until all go to sleep. He gave me his number, but I did not contact him because I thought maybe I lose my personal info if I contact him by cell phone. It was terrifying seriously.  I was not supposed to dishearten my family at any cost because they all cared for me too much, I mean it. It was tough to wake up early morning after late night gossiping with him; I always get tired of it. College and studies seem so difficult for the moment, but it was also very hectic to stop myself wait so long to have some talk with him.  I then decided to send him text message collecting all my confidence in a box, and I did so. Finally, I was out of that stress which was unbearable. He responded as quickly as he got my message. I was so happy. We do gossips, fun and let know what else we were doing at the moment. It was all just like a dream. I wasn’t aware of what’s going on. But the important things he never crossed his limits. He was never demanding for anything, and I fell in deep connection with him unconsciously. 

Its upto you

My father was a landlord; he always stays away due to his meetings and works. The elder brother was also supposed to be with him to get familiar with how to deal with the people and things when got worse. The other one was in the city for his higher studies. The Younger one was here with us, studying in grade 10. My mother and aunt were always busy with their concerns and doing home stuff, laundries, groceries, cooking and gossiping amuses them. I was left with doing nothing special except to do studies.  I don't realise how and when I fell in love with him. I was getting deeper day by day into this. 

One year passed away in this without realising any moment. He was studying in one of the famous universities, living in the hostel with few roommates. Whenever university is off, he went to his family living in another village. Apart from this, he never neglected me, regardless of where ever he is. I was mad at him. He was aware of it. He was indulgent in late night hangouts with friends, movies, racing, and a lot more. I try hard to stop him, wasting time. He ignores me very decently instead of quarrelling. I was worried about my family because I knew that, they would never ignore my wish. But the problem was Arhem’s attitude horrified me. Every effort seems useless. 

He was gone to his family for spending holidays with them. One day he messaged me, that he wants to tell me something. It sounds a little worrying. I prepared myself to know what he has in his mind. He said; “I am engaged to one of my first cousins. Believe me; I am not interested in her. I was not expecting this. All this happens to me was very sudden. I don’t want to ruin your feelings sweet…. I Love You seriously. “I was not able to listen whatever he asked. My eyes were popped with dew drops. I suddenly started sobbing.  I was thoroughly dishearten left with no choice, except praying. I was unable to share my pain with anyone. Because I have not shared my secret with friends not even single person. I was dying inside out, but unable to express. I was feeling all alone in this entire world. 

One day I was sitting on the couch watching TV. Suddenly It was like, I am getting out of my mind. The Strange condition was overcoming on myself.  I was losing control on my entire body, that what I am going to do, it wasn’t sure about. My family was feeling desperate. It seems difficult for them to cope up with me. I was unable to blame anyone for that. It was all my affection towards him, the one who was not even aware of all this. It was good luck that my father was at home that day. When he come to know about my condition. He hurriedly took ma to the most famous physician for treatment, but it was all useless. The situation was getting worse day by day. Someone told him about few wizards. He even took me there too but all in vain. I was not getting regular. Everyone was so much worried, and praying that may their darling daughter get well. They were all trying their best to do whatever they could. In the neighbour after Asar prayer, my father was coming home sadly from the mosque. Someone asked him about me! He was all dying inside because he felt so helpless. That man tells my father about a pious man living near Mosque. He suggested to go and ask him for help. May he could be helpful for you in this regard. Father didn’t waste any single moment and went to him. Telling him the entire story he started weeping with loudness. The pious man asked him; I want to see your daughter after that, I could be able to help you. Date and time were decided on the spot for a good fortune; my father invited him to lunch for next day.

On particular day and time, he came to us. I was in the lounge with my whole family. I was still and quiet when he entered the room. Everyone was looking towards him hopefully.  He started talking to me; I don’t know what he asked me and what I was answering him. Then he passed me a book and said: “Everything in this world has a heart and this is the heart of Holy Book Quran. I am expecting from you to read this wholeheartedly; you will surely feel good. And if you want to share anything you can ask me. He said the whole thing so politely. I felt calmness floated within myself.” I was staring at him when he left.

I started reciting that surah with translation, and it was like a miracle I was feeling so much better. As I was reciting verses, it seems like a sound breeze started flowing in my veins. I felt good. My family was so much happy. They distributed sweets in the village for my sake. They decided to take me somewhere for some time to make me feel good. They just suffered a lot because of me. I am glad to have such a supportive family. I will never think about to disappoint them. 

When I go into deep thoughts, I got stuck in those hidden truths about life. I am not angry at all with him, But I waited for him. Why we consider such people so important in our life and decide to ruin our lives. Honestly, it’s just a trap nothing more than that. I think true love doesn’t exist anymore. For me after all. I wish for all those who are in love that, may they get what they want. Maybe that happiness can’t be expressed. But I hope maybe I feel blessed when two lovebirds met. That’s what I can say ... 

About the Author
Aqsa Hadi
A passionate self-motivated writer, team player, coordinator, keeping deadlines. I practice to work on the measureable and desired goal achievements. Love travelling.